Saturday, June 6, 2009

A New Nemesis

I have a friend who once described his daily battle with a particular breed of driver called "Dodge Truck Guy".

According to Mur, "Dodge Truck Guy" is a species that is incapable of driving sedately through traffic - during rush hour. "Dodge Truck Guy" must, when the light goes green, stand on the accelerator, dump a huge cloud of black diesel smoke in the air and race to the next light and then... stomp on his brakes. Only to repeat this pattern every two blocks through stop and go traffic.

Well, I have discovered a sub-species, or perhaps a better term would be a co-evolved species. I have discovered "F-350 Guy".

"F-350 Guy" shares many of the same attributes as "Dodge Truck Guy" with a couple of notable additions:

1. The turn signals on "F-350 Guy's" truck, never work. Lane changes, going around corners... I think the elevation of the lift kit renders the signals unusable.

2. "F-350 Guy" is incapable of parking in less than four parking spots at one time. Exception: he can totally fit his truck into two adjacent Handicapped spots. I think maybe "F-350 Guy" feels that the inability to park is a handicap.

3. "F-350 Guy" doesn't seem to know how to turn the key counter-clockwise in the ignition. Even when fuel was $1.30/litre.

4. "F-350 Guy" must never, ever be seen driving a stock truck. It must be lifted, after-market wheeled, and for extra points, have a colour matched suspension system. It must also never, ever, ever get dirty or be used for anything vaguely truck-like; even though the bed will be rhino-lined.

5. While his income likely comes from the oilfield, "F-350 Guy" must never appear in public looking like anything less than an underage, metro-sexual club kid, Ironic for Alberta. Seriously dude, the frosted tips and totally unoriginal tribal tattoo make you look like a cadidate to be Ryan Seacrest's bitch.

Anyways, "F-350 Guy" and "Dodge Truck Guy" seem to rule the streets around here. And, when you're me - "Skinny Mountain Biker Dude" - the diesel smoke, synthetic testosterone and really big tires get a little scary. At least I can park properly.


Mur said...

Nice. You forgot to mention the constant use of driving lights,(I really hate that) and the contrasting height of vehicle to height of driver.

Caryn and Dan said...

Our favorite recent addition to these trucks are the "truck nuts" hanging from the rear hitch.

...because you know, after the many years of steroid abuse... some may wonder...

Do You Come with the Car? said...

Must not forget the "Calvin pissing on Ford" stickers.